.barefoot.sensation.

bloody pms. i’m craving for all those stupid butterfly-in-my-stomach. this would be a great time to go back to the flirting, "get to know" stage.

God help me, i am a woman.

For me one of the scariest thing in life is to love someone completely.

So I tell my heart what to do and how to feel.

But it would go on breaking away and continue loving.

And I would tell for it to be careful and try controlling it more.

But the more it gets bigger to leave more space for more love.

And the more I create more barriers and net to prevent it from falling further

.

.

.

.

.

And I do all of this because I’m simply afraid of getting hurt.

So I told myself what is love without getting hurt, and I try to let go.

But if I let go, will there be anyone at the other side ready to catch me?

I guess I’ll never know until I let go and let myself fall.

It feels good to be wanted.

Dan hari ini berlalu sangat lambat sekali.

Kemarin dia bilang kalau dia perlu waktu,
untuk berpikir
untuk memastikan perasaannya
apakah saya hanya seorang teman
atau saya lebih dari seorang teman

Dan
tentu saja bendungan air mata saya langsung bobol. Dan dia pun
beruasaha meyakinkan bahwa ini semua belum berakhir. Dia bilang dia
sangat sayang. Dia bilang dia tidak bisa kehilangan saya. Dia bilang
dia tidak akan menyakiti saya. Untuk sesaat saya bahagia karena saya
mendengar semua kata-kata indah yang jarang saya dengar sebelumnya.
Tapi kita tidak berpesta pora merayakan cinta, sebaliknya kita
memutuskan untuk mengambil jarak untuk sementara.

Rasanya hari ini berlalu sangat lambat.
Kalimat pertama yang rekan kerja saya katakan setelah saya bercerita apa yang terjadi dalam versi singkat adalah "You are very positive, aren’t you?". Dan saya jawab. "Yes, I’m a very positive person."
Padahal saya sendiri tidak yakin kalau saya masih bisa berpikir positif
saat ini. Ya, kemarin saya kira saya baik-baik saja. Ini yang terbaik
buat kita. Tapi kenapa hari ini saya menjadi tidak yakin kalau saya
baik-baik saja? Yah saya memang orang yang suka berpikiran positif.
Entah mengapa. Mungkin karena darah Jawa orang tua saya. Saya selalu
berpikir "Yah setidaknya masih untung begini. Setidaknya masih untung begitu".

Sekarang saya pun tidak bisa berpikiran positif, ataupun negatif. Saya hanya bisa menunggu.

Terkadang
saya kesal karena saya tidak seharusnya sedih. Saya harusnya senang
karena dia akhirnya menyadari kalau selama ini dia sudah memperlakukan
saya dengan tidak adil. Bahwa dia itu egois. Bahwa selama ini saya
sudah berkorban terlalu banyak. Bahwa dia akhirnya merasa bersalah.
Tapi saat ini saya tidak siap untuk ini.

Terkadang saya
bertanya kenapa saya harus jatuh cinta kepadanya. Kenapa tidak dengan
orang lain yang jauh lebih perhatian dan pengertian. Kenapa dengan dia
yang sering tidak peduli. Kenapa dengan dia yang egois. Kenapa saya mau
berkorban untuk dia. Saya tau kalau saya patut menerima seseorang yang
jauh lebih baik.

Dan saya sebenarnya tau jawabannya. Karena dia
membuat saya bahagia. Karena dia membuat saya menjadi orang yang lebih
baik. Karena dia membuat semuanya terasa lebih baik. Saya benar-benar
sudah jatuh cinta dan saya tidak mau kehilangan dia.

Saya tahu
tidak ada gunanya memikirkan semua ini sekarang. Biarkan waktu yang
menjawab. Saya hanya bisa berdoa agar Tuhan memberikan jalan keluar
yang terbaik. Saya tahu Tuhan tau yang saya mau. Dan saya berharap
suatu hari saya mendapatkan apa yang saya harapkan, walaupun mungkin
jawabannya bukan dia.

Dan saya sekarang kembali menunggu. Dan
mungkin di akhir semua ini saya bisa berkata "Yah, setidaknya saya
telah menemukan apa artinya dan rasanya mencintai seseorang."

I see my moods like the weather for people that don’t know about weather.
You can try to predict it, and you think you know what’s coming, but you really don’t.
So my PMS does not always come before that time of the month.
It could come before, after, or anytime in between.
Like today…

Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.
But  everything that you did just irritated me.
And you didn’t even do anything wrong.
Well you’re annoying, but it’s not something that I can’t tolerate normally.
But for some reason i just get annoyed at you for the smallest reasons.
I tried to not get mad and to not show it to you.
And after a while everything just got back to normal.
But then you would do something that just irritating.
And everything would start over.

I told you that I’m coming over your place to chill out for a little.
But 5 minutes I was there, I just wanted to go home.
You did nothing wrong, I just felt bad that I was such in a horrible mood towards you today.
And of course you didn’t notice because I didn’t show it.
And so i wanted to tell you "maybe I should just go home now, cuz for some crazy reason, I’ve been mad at you a lot today and I feel bad and I just wanna go home".

But then you told me to sit next to you while watching TV.
So I sat down
You put your arm around me
And started rubbing my arm and elbow.
.
.
.
And suddenly everything was fine.
Like nothing was ever wrong.
Like I was never mad at you.
As if my mood had been at the greatest the whole day.
I felt so at peace

And all it took was just a little rub.

Yes Baby, I know u never gonna read this. I know we fight a lot. I know that I might be just another girlfriend in your life. And this might be another relationship we’re gonna end in the future to move on to a better one. But I really thank the Lord that I have you with me today. You’re my support, my conscience, my mirror, and i love you.

i suck at lying
i hate lying
and i’m tired of lying.

fuck you. why can’t u be a man and face the consequences.
fuck me. why can’t i be a man and confront you and tell u that i’m tired of this.

i’m just tired of covering things up.
and of those groupies and bitches that can’t stop throwing themselves at you.
i know that faith is one thing you give me completely.
and i know that those bitches don’t do anything aniway.
but i’m still a girl with all her vulnerabilities and insecurities.

all i want is to show ppl that it’s not ok for those bitches to hug u with over enthusiasm
cuz only i have the right to hug u with over enthusiasm.

fuck you.
why do u make things so complicated.
fuck me.
why did i let things get so complicated.

*dun
worry baby i’m just venting. tomorrow will be a better day. bad mood
has been my close friends these few days. And probably will always be
until i show those bitches what we really are.*

you: "What’s up?"

me: "I’m homesick. I miss home terribly."

you: "That’s ok. You have me."

:).

it’s the little things you do
it’s you annoying me every single second
it’s you teasing me mercilessly
it’s you making me meals and bringing me food
it’s you and your weird sense of humor
it’s you with your little ways of making me smile when i hate you
it’s you with your protective arm around me
it’s you with your reassuring pat when i’m scared or in doubt
it’s you telling me that i have you

i think i’m in love.

…watching you sleeping today..
..was probably one of the most beautiful things i’ve seen..

..cuddling you when you were sleeping..
..you body was so warm next to mine, i just don’t want to let go…

..cuddling me when I was sleeping..
..you pulled me closer… feels so nice to be wanted…

being with you just feels so good. please don’t let this end. at least not now.

*Warning, menye posting coming up!*

HHH.. yess… i’m in the ‘menye’ mode. It feels great to like someone and to have the same person likes you back. It’s been a while since i had that feeling. Usually it’s only one-way. Either I like the guy, or the guy likes me without me liking him back. *sigh*.

And yes, I’m in a relationship that’s complicated but I’m enjoying this. I don’t even know what should I call this. I mean, I feel like this is a real relationship, we’re just hiding it from people because of certain reasons. But wow, this certainly feels nice and great. Oh well, this is probably only the honeymoon period. But i’m going to enjoy this and make sure this lasts as long as it could last.

I mean, everything just come easily. We both are not clingy. We both know we still need our own personal times. But we do know that we need to be in each other’s mind. hehehehehe.. and everything is just cute. Again, maybe because this is only the beginning. The fact that we’re hiding it from people is making every single touch meaningful. And it’s cute how we try to sneak a hug or a whisper or even a kiss.

But i do admit that sometimes it’s driving me crazy. I mean, I know that I’m supposed to act as if there were nothing between me and him. So I do act that way. Trying to stand not so close and all that. But then he would do something that makes me melt and all weak in the knees and its hard to ignore and act as if there were nothing between us. *sigh*.

Hhh…susah